Tag Archives: love

Hold the orgasm: welcome to a tantric sex workshop

I entered the Tantra is Love women’s workshop wearing comfortable clothes, as instructed, clutching my notebook and water bottle. I forgot my pillow. They said we might need a pillow. Why? Am I going to be napping? Thrusting? Dry humping? No. The pillow was for sitting on and I subsequently regretted not having it with me.

I was drawn to Emma Power and Belinda Totino’s workshop because the sex my partner and I had been having didn’t feel like it was doing justice to the depths of intimacy we’d reached in our two-year-long relationship. Sex was a mad sprint toward orgasm: exhaustion, impatience and frustration at every turn. Appreciating one another didn’t factor and there were no medals at the end. So I took off my shoes and walked into the candlelit room, lined with nutritious snacks, flowers, and a group of other women quietly sitting with their own questions, concerns and motivations.

It turns out a quest similar to my own is what led Emma and Belinda to Tantra. They were tired of what they called “straight up Aussie sex”: treating the body as an object, making love to an idea, not a human being, struggling to reach orgasm and feeling disconnected from themselves and their partners. They wanted more. But they quickly discovered that Tantric principles don’t just apply to sex. Qualities like mindfulness, gratitude and reverence enhance every aspect of how we live our lives.
In Tantra, the aim of physical intimacy isn’t orgasm.

In Tantra, the aim of physical intimacy isn’t orgasm. Respecting sexual energy and learning how to harness it can be healing for men and women alike. For instance, strengthening the pelvic floor muscles through Kegel exercises and the use of jade eggs (which you insert into your yoni, Tantric word for vagina) is important for women because it allow us to use sexual energy safely.

The pelvic floor can move the energy around the body to revitalize it and encourage orgasm to implode, rather than explode out of the body and deplete it. Belinda walked us through some Kegel exercises – pull up, hold, release, pull up, hold, release – and on the last repetition, she asked us to continue drawing the muscles upward. The power of that action, like cupid’s arrow, shot straight to my heart and into my head. I was sitting still and felt absolutely invigorated. “It’s a miracle,” I quickly scribbled in my notebook. Imagine what would happen if I did this during sex.

Then there were lingam (Tantric word for penis) massage techniques re-enacted with oil on some of the largest carrots I’d ever seen. But prior to the appearance of an organic carrot, the instructions were to set up the space, ensuring that it’s warm and comfortable for all parties concerned. There may be cushions and candles and your Tantra is Love instruction booklet hidden somewhere between the blankets. Then you give a full body massage, while checking in with the recipient about pressure and reminding everyone to breathe.

Once you start exploring different techniques like “Tickle and Scratch”, “Peace Loving”, “Wax On, Wax Off” and “Mortar and Pestle”, you can move the sexual energy around the body with your fingertips. This process can go on for hours if you want it to, because it isn’t about a hard lingam, nor is it about ejaculation. If either of those things happen it’s okay, but they aren’t the aim.

When I did this with my partner we had dinner roasting in the oven during the massage and ate it together afterwards. The overall experience was healing and nurturing for both of us. We shared something physically that matched how we feel about one another spiritually, emotionally and intellectually. Something sacred was exchanged.

Tantra is Love’s workshop introduced me to a part of myself, and my relationship, that I had been longing to meet. I learned the words “lingam” and “yoni” and they led me to the stars.


By Madeleine Ryan


OF WRITERS AND REPRESSED SEXUALITY Why do we write about love, at all?

For as long as I can remember I had always wanted to be a writer. Therefore, when I first stumbled upon Freud’s statement, “all romantic literature is the outcome of sexual repression,” I was at a loss. I wasn’t prepared to accept how true the statement was. During this denial phase, I regressed back to find out why the persona of a writer appealed to me, while writing as a profession wasn’t something that was positively propagated in my family.

I had written my first poem in protest of my mother’s reluctance to accept my sexuality. I was in my early teens, volatile with hormones that lulled my conscience. I was molten with passion. I wanted to be touched, to be fondled, to be kissed, to be gathered in an arm. Of whom, it was secondary. My mother smelled this longing in me and somewhat artlessly tried to terrorise me with threats of rejection.

I remember feeling threatened. So, instead of looking for a man,

I sought the comfort of my diary and wrote the poem: I love my mother, but I am not her lover

Discontent with my love, she seeks for her husband 

But when I seek for a lover, 

She admonishes me I am not old enough 

As if the younger ones have no right to seek the love they crave for

Freud was right. At least, in regards to my first poem. But how could he be as audacious to throw a blanket over “all romantic literature”?

Not long ago, I was a part of BBC documentary crew that filmed the lives of the Rautes, the aboriginal nomads of Western Nepal. During our month long stay, we found out that they didn’t have any literature nor a concept of religion. Despite our attempts at understanding them from close quarters, they retained their elusiveness. Kamala, who was the protagonist of the documentary, was a widow. Her husband had passed away three years ago, leaving her with their only daughter, who was five years old. To our utter bewilderment, she was often seen breastfeeding a child, who couldn’t be more than two years. During our interview, she told us the child belonged to her younger sister, who for some reason or the other couldn’t lactate the child. A little surprised, we bought her story nevertheless until one sultry afternoon, where we had followed her younger brother Kalyan to the forest, who went foraging for ferns. We asked Kalyan about his sister and how she was managing her family financially. Kalyan confided coolly that her sister had impregnated herself two years ago to receive extra one thousand rupees stipend from the Government as per their decision to grant thousand rupees stipend to each Raute. So, how did it work? Kalyan told us when Kamala expressed her desire to impregnate herself, the Mukhiya, or the leader of the clan, asked the most virile young boy of the community to sleep with her. But once she was pregnant, he wasn’t obliged to play the role of a father. The community was content to accept copulation without further implication of familial bonding. After this incident, we gradually learned how libertine and generous they were about sex. Sex was merely an impulse that needed to be satiated. Or a means to reproduce. If a man willed so, he wasn’t obliged to look after the woman even after impregnating her.

Freud argues our civilizstion is built on the foundation of sexual repression. He further states our art and our literature, particularly romantic literature, have merely fermented from sexual deprivation or repression. For a moment, I thought of some of my favourite romantic books—An Equal Music, The End of The Affair, Unbearable Lightness of Being, Narendra Dai, Sirish Ko Phool and then I thought of other enduring tales of romance—Romeo and Juliet, Laila and Majnun or Shiri and Farhad. Much to my surprise, indeed, for whatever the narrative be, at the heart of them is the story of unrequited love or the failure of attainment of the beloved or the consequent demystification on the attainment of love.

Especially when it comes to stories of Romeo and Juliet or Laila Majnu it is curious how the same theme occurs repeatedly across different cultures and communities. What do we have in common among all three stories? The lovers never actually have an opportunity to be together, to explore each other in prolonged intimacy. And in this deprivation, the lover becomes mystified. He projects all romantic qualities on his beloved, which he wishes for. And beloved, for her part, is never intimate enough to shatter the projection. Therefore, all lovers are romantic and all husbands sarcastic. Either most of them are overtly romantic about their partners or if the process of demystification has started they are sarcastic, if not indifferent, about the spouses.

But among the Rautes, I noticed a healthier friendship between a husband and a wife. Could it be true that the Rautes were not as much disenchanted by their partners because their libertine sexual ways spared them the acute romantic projection and hence the consequent demystification? Did the Rautes fail to feel need for literature or any folklore akin to the prototype of the story of Romeo and Juliet because the attainment of a sexual partner was so easy and guilt-free that they wouldn’t have to resort to writing about love? Why do we write about love, at all?

During my nine-year-old experience of living together with a man, I have noticed that exclusive or monogamous commitment to a single person is not possible. Even if we might not go ahead and commit adultery, it’s rare, if not impossible that many times one revels on the secret thought of committing it. But at the same time, our foundation of morality is based on sexual conduct, particularly on the person’s capability to stick to one partner for as long as possible. And therefore, if a man wanted to appear civilised or morally justified, he must repress his sexual impulse or find backdoors to release them. But even if he releases his impulses secretly, he might escape the societal condemnation but alas, there is no way to escape the sense of guilt, which is the secret prison the society has created inside a man. Hence, for a modern civilised man there is no way to enjoy this sexuality without compromising a little with societal support-system, which is cruelly  intolerant of anyone, who intends to express his sexuality naturally.

Commenting on Malinowski’s Trobriand Island ethnography, Reich had once light-heartedly commented, “…Genital doesn’t understand any “gamy” your society expects of you. It just seeks to be satiated.” I am increasingly convinced that our literature is an outcome of this conflict between the pleasure-seeking quest of genital and the unreasonable commitment of fidelity the civilisation expects of one. In between the threat of rejection and deprivation, we create an imaginary escape where we try to justify or vicariously live our repressed desires or reinforce the myth of Happily Ever After in a monogamous union, which can be true but only in fictions.


By Bhusistha Vasistha

Pleasure as Caregiving: The Ins and Outs of Facilitated Sex

When it comes to typical volunteer activities, you probably think of walking shelter dogs or helping out at a soup kitchen. But in Taiwan, there’s an NGO called Hand Angel, which promotes the sexual rights of people with physical disabilities by providing free hand jobs to those who are unable to pleasure themselves.

Hand Angel screens recipients to make sure that they are recognized by the government as being physically — but not mentally — incapacitated. Once approved, each person is entitled to a maximum of three hand jobs. The volunteers (there are 10, from a range of backgrounds) can caress the applicants and kiss them on the face, but penetration (finger, oral, intercourse) is off-limits.

Unsurprisingly, the service has come under fire, according to Vice, with Internet users posting comments like, “Do they also offer Mouth Angels?” and a Taipei official stating, “I don’t think we need to bring up disabled people’s sexuality as an independent issue. There are more important and urgent problems we need to deal with.”

But there’s also a groundswell of support for the concept of facilitated sex. “Facilitated sex, otherwise known as sexual assistance, is supporting a person with a disability along the whole spectrum of sexual expression,” sexuality educator Mitchell Tepper, PhD, author of Regain That Feeling, tells Yahoo Health. “That may mean helping someone arrange a date, setting up for masturbation and cleaning up afterwards, helping to transfer somebody into bed to be with a partner, or — in the case where both partners have disabilities — positioning them so they can make contact.” As one Hand Angel participant explained to Vice, “The whole process was full of respect and equality. This might be deemed as controversial by society, but … what we desire is no different from others.”

Satisfying a need 

For people who don’t have a physical disability, it’s easy to take for granted partner sexual activity and engaging in solo pleasure. “Any disability that results in severe muscle weakness or paralysis can make it difficult for a person to engage in sexual activity on their own,” Tepper says. He points to examples like complete cervical spinal cord injury, cerebral palsy (which may result in paralysis and severe spasticity), and traumatic brain injury that affects planning, movement, and coordination.

Sexual rights advocates argue that sex is an essential need, the same as eating and bathing. And as such, people with disabilities deserve to have a means to access their sexuality. “Caregiving is intended to assist people with the activities of daily living that they would normally engage in themselves if they didn’t have a limitation,” says Linda Mona, PhD, founder and president of Inclusivity Clinical Consulting Services, and a clinical psychologist specializing in health psychology, sexual health, diversity, and inclusion. “Everyone has a right to have their basic needs met, and that includes sexual activity.”

So if an individual wants to engage in masturbation or intercourse, the question becomes whether he or she has the physical ability to do so. For some people, that may translate to help with transportation and access to social venues where they might mingle and eventually form a relationship. Others need assistance with setup (think: being given a vibrator, or positioning their hands to facilitate masturbation). Or they may require more direct aid, such as having another person’s hands on top of theirs to manually guide them to orgasm.

But many physically limited people don’t know where to turn for help with their private desires. Needless to say, it would be awkward to request sexual facilitation from their regular caregiver. Even more uncomfortable, 80 percent of people who are disabled are cared for by relatives, according to Mona.

(That said, family members stepping up to the plate is not unheard of, as evidenced in this reddit AMAfrom a physically incapacitated man who received sexual assistance from his mother. Mona encountered a similar situation in her practice, where a mother helped her son with a disability prepare for masturbation.)

“As a result of the difficulties involved, the vast majority of people in this predicament simply go without expressing their sexuality altogether,” says Mona. “The emergence of Hand Angel is a reflection of the fact that we haven’t adequately addressed the sexual rights of people with disabilities.”

 Although its status as a nonprofit is unique, Hand Angel isn’t alone in the quest to bring sexual satisfaction to people living with physical disability. Tepper explains that White Hands is a Japan-based business that, for a fee, provides hand jobs to those with physical limitations. TLC Trust in the U.K. and Touching Base in Australia allow people with disabilities to legally hire sex workers.

In the U.S., Sexological Bodyworks is a profession where certified sexologists help individuals and couples — including those with physical or mental limitations — get in touch with their sexuality using methods like breathing techniques and erotic massage. The educators are certified by the state of California, and since most of the work doesn’t require direct genital touching, it is legal in many countries, including America.

Then there’s sexual surrogacy, also available in the U.S., where a surrogate partner engages in intimate activity with a client as part of therapy“Although people are not paying for a specific sexual service, this has always existed in a gray legal space,” Tepper says. To date, there has never been a case brought against a surrogate.

Even brothels and sex toy companies are getting in on the cause: Mustang Ranch  in Nevada provides discounts to people with disabilities on Sundays. SportSheets has a line of toys dedicated to assisting those with physical limitations, and Liberator Sex sells cushions that are strategically designed to help people get into sex positions with more ease.

Mona points out that in some European countries, including the Netherlands, the government provides funds to cover up to 12 months’ worth of sexual services to the disabled, because people are more well-adjusted and function better overall as a result. Indeed,research shows that sexual activity — including masturbation — improves physical and psychological health.

A values clash

At the same time, the idea of facilitated sex can challenge the core ideologies of both the recipient and the giver. “If the options available don’t fit someone’s value set, they need to ask themselves what their priorities are, and whether it’s worth it,” Mona says. “It boils down to what the individual feels comfortable with and whether they have resources for navigating their sexuality.”

In her practice, she brainstorms what clients are comfortable with based on their moral and religious beliefs. For instance, if they aren’t capable of participating in sexual activity on their own but don’t want to ask for assistance, fantasy, erotic reading, or an X-rated film might be avenues to explore.

And while the idea of getting off via emotionless sex may not sit well with many people, services like Hand Angel aren’t purely playing to animalistic instincts; they can be a meaningful source of intimacy. “Often, people with a disability only experience touch in a medical sense, like by a medical doctor or caregiver,” Mona says. “To be assisted with touching in an erotic way allows them to form a human connection that they’ve previously been cut off from.”

Tepper adds: “Intimacy doesn’t necessarily mean being in a long-term relationship where you share all of your deepest feelings. It can be expressed through a brief episode of mutual caring.”

Facilitated sex also allows people to get in tune with their own bodies. “Disabled people are frequently divorced from their bodies in a number of ways,” Mona says. “This is a means for them to physically reconnect with themselves.” In her clinical experience, clients who have pursued erotic assistance say that it’s a powerful, positive experience. “People report that they feel whole again,” she adds. “The quote I hear time and time again is, ‘I finally feel human.’”

On the giver’s side, the comfort level depends on his or her role. “Most regular caregivers will agree to set someone up for masturbation but won’t hold a vibrator,” Mona says. “As the level of need increases, the level of discomfort increases.”

But trained professionals, like surrogates or sexological bodyworkers, have few moral qualms. “They generally find the work of helping people explore their sexuality to be extremely rewarding,” Tepper says.

That said, even if both parties are onboard, it’s tricky ground to navigate. For one thing, there’s a safety issue: “If you have a vulnerable person, are you putting them at risk for physical or sexual abuse?” Mona says.

For another, it’s a loaded topic in terms of legality. “It’s not lawful to pay for sex, but hiring a facilitator to assist you with sex, rather than engaging in a sexual act, is a different question,” Mona says. “Still, I’ve been told that facilitated sex would never hold up in court.”

By Molly Triffin

Sex in space? Prepare to strap in, says Neil deGrasse Tyson

Technically Incorrect: The astrophysicist has clearly considered the ramifications of weightless canoodling, casting new light on the bonds of affection.

True love makes you feel so weightless.

But when you’re already weightless, how can you consummate true love?

This question has clearly absorbed astrophysicist and pop scientist Neil DeGrasse Tyson, who has weighed in on topics from the origins of the universe to the movie ” Interstellar.” He can talk Batman vs. Superman as easily as he can address science literacy and US competitiveness.

He’s now looked at the prospect of sex in space from several angles. He’s considered its various moves and gestures. And because he’s a scientist he has come to a solution.

Sex in space, it would seem, could involve all those things you’ve read about or seen in “Fifty Shades Of Grey.” Or so I’m told.

Responding to a question from a fan on National Geographic’s “Star Talk,” deGrasse Tyson explained that the problem with weightlessness is that it repels rather than brings together.

“You’re floating in space and then you move towards someone and they just bounce off,” he explained. For some, this is called Friday night at the club.

DeGrasse Tyson reminded us that there’s no friction up there. “So if you want to get together and stay together, you need something to keep you together during all the normal body movements,” he said.

The solution is therefore quite familiar (to some, I understand): “Bring a lot of leather belts. Keep things strapped down and you’ll be just fine.”

This is an exhortation that surely has been uttered in many down-to-Earth venues over the centuries.

To create a bond in space, that is, you need bondage. The scientist has spoken. The scientist tried hard to keep a straight face.

I fear, though, that if Tyson is accurate, a phrase so often heard on flying machines — “Strap yourself in” — will now take on new and exciting connotations.


By Chris Matyszczyk

Why All Mothers Should Be Sex Positive

Unlike a lot of mothers in my suburban community I have no problem talking to my kids about sex. In fact, I’m very comfortable talking honestly, openly, and nonjudgmentally about it.

I was raised by a stylish diva Mom of the “Mad Men” era, twice divorced, slightly embittered but unequivocal when she told me flatly “Sex is the one thing a man can give you that will make you happy.” Female orgasm was an act of pride and rebellion, it was her brand of feminism. “The whole world is geared to satisfy men and you need to make sure they satisfy you.”

This is what informed how I educated my daughter about sex, although my tutelage was far from embittered–because sex, love, and relationships have always been a highly satisfying part of my life. I write about my sex positive philosophy in my recently published memoir “Wide open” my journey of balancing romantic love and family life. “Sex as danger” was never part of my message. Like getting good grades or eating healthy foods, my style was instructive and even humorous.

When my daughter was ten years old, she got into my sex toy draw and borrowed a small lavender vibrator. I didn’t notice it was missing until ten days later when my daughter sheepishly confessed to me that she had taken it and that she “really liked it”. I told her to consider it hers. I was happy she’d taken the initiative.

We chatted about the vibrator’s lithe shape and silky texture and I explained female physiology to her. I told her that masturbation was a private activity saved for non-public spaces like her bedroom. “A vibrator will be your own personal sex educator about what you need to do to achieve climax. When you get a lover, this is the information you’ll pass on to him or her.”

Educating my children on sex, love and relationships is a crucial part of what I consider good parenting. It’s right up there with keeping them out of danger, teaching them to respect the environment, and making them responsible for their own actions (along with doing their own laundry and 30 minutes of reading a day).

But there seems to be a pervasive fear that talking about sex will encourage teenagers to have sex. I think just the opposite is true. The Netherlands, Germany, and France have the lowest rates of teen pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases among teens. These three countries have exemplary sex education and government programs that allow easy access to contraception. Knowledge and education facilitates wise decisions.

The United States has one of the highest teen pregnancy rates in the Western world. According to Advocates for Youth, since 1997 the US government has subsidized over $1.5 billion dollars in abstinence-only programs that exclude crucial information that could prevent teen pregnancy and STDS. Until recently, these “sex as danger” programs promoting abstinence were the only sex education classes eligible for federal funding. But researchers at the University of Washington found that comprehensive sex education was associated with a 50 percent lower risk of teen pregnancy compared to an abstinence-only program.

Given the puritanical roots of the United States, these statistics aren’t surprising. But I live in one of the blue states, where the “sex is dangerous” dogma is on par with the ideology that humans lived among dinosaurs. I expected a sex-positive attitude from others parents. Not so. In kindergarten my daughter asked me the inevitable “where do babies come from?” I responded with a simple description suited for a five-year-old. My little girl became the source of sex education for her kindergarten pals. When her best friend told her mother about “the sperm and the egg,” this little girl’s mother called me up and stated flatly, “I don’t want my child thinking about sex.”

Developmentally kids start asking basic questions about sex as early as three years old. Making the subject verboten puts kids and teenagers at risk. What is forbidden and mysterious often becomes cause for rebelling. I have several friends whose parenting style I respected in the elementary school years but as their children became teenagers their parenting started leaning toward surveillance, policing, and control.

My daughter’s friends are polite and affable. They are also curious and hungry for frank information on life. They need guidance with empathy–not lectures or policing. Often I am a quiet observer and neutral ear for their challenges.

One of my close friends is in complete denial that her daughter is having sex. This young girl became sexually active at 13, an age I think is way too young. When I asked this mother why she didn’t talk to her daughter more about love and sex–she said “She’ll have to learn the lessons on her own.”

At 14 my daughter got her first boyfriend. We discussed birth control. My daughter was very candid that she was not ready to have sex–which I was glad for. As their relationship developed she felt pressured. Her boyfriend is a great kid–and yet I think we can all agree that testosterone is one wily ride. To quote Xander from Buffy the Vampire slayer “I am a 16-year-old boy–linoleum turns me on.”

After further discussion, the issue seemed to be not that her boyfriend was truly pressuring her, he wanted to respect her boundaries, but given both their levels of sexual inexperience they didn’t know how to pleasure each other. His idea was penetration–understandable, given that biology has the dominant power to make compelling suggestions. After all isn’t testosterone’s function to fill the earth with babies? I felt empathy for both my daughter and her boyfriend. I explained to her that the learning curve at this age in terms of your body, your boyfriend/girlfriends body, what you are feeling, and what you need is huge! Then I coached her about several ways she and her boyfriend could pleasure each other without penetration or risk of pregnancy.

I am happy to report that at 15 my daughter is sexually satisfied but still not having intercourse. By the way, her friend from kindergarten whose mom lambasted me for teaching my kid the Birds and the Bees started having sex at the tender age of 13. I can’t say I was surprised.

My daughter is doing great academically, socially, and also exploring the fine art of living well. Which undoubtedly must have pleasure on the menu because from an evolutionary perspective we are hardwired to want sex when we reach puberty. It’s time parents stopped portraying sex as dangerous, emotionally and physically, and start telling the truth about the pleasures, emotionally and physically, within a context that includes safety and maturity.


By Gracie X



Tie me up, leave me be

Is it cool for me to hire a dominatrix for limited sexual acts? Plus: If I’m into trans women, can I have love and kids?

Q Is it legal for a man to procure the services of a Dominatrix? In the kind of session I have in mind, there’s no nudity or sexual activity or contact involved. There’s not even any whipping or flogging or caning or hardcore BDSM stuff. I just want to see what it would be like to be bound and gagged. That’s it. So is it against the law to pay a woman to tie me up?—Boy Into Nonsexual Domination

A “The short answer is no, he’s not likely to be arrested for procuring the services of a Dominatrix,” says Mistress Justine Cross, a pro-Domme based in Los Angeles. “What BIND desires sounds totally legal and safe—he just needs to find a Domme who is reputable (check out her website, read her reviews) and knows what she is doing in the realm of bondage. That said, I’m not a cop or a lawyer.”

Cross is, however, a business owner. She runs two dungeons in Los Angeles—and she consulted with a criminal attorney before going into the professional domination business. “He assured me that what I do is A-OK,” says Cross. “And even though he had practiced for many years, he had never defended, nor did he know any other lawyer who had ever defended, a professional Domme. Since Dommes rarely find themselves in trouble for their work, it stands to reason that BIND, a future client, will be in the clear as well.”

With the Feds going after websites like Rentboy and myRedBook (which make sex work safer), and with the neverending puritanical, punitive crusade to “rescue” adult sex workers from consensual, non-exploitative sex work (by arresting them and giving them criminal records), how is it professional Dominants and their clients aren’t routinely harassed by law-enforcement authorities? “We don’t offer sex or nudity in our professional BDSM work,” says Cross, “and this keeps us out of the ‘criminalized’ categories of sex work. However, every state has different laws. NYC and LA both have large professional BDSM communities, but I can’t say every state or city welcomes or tolerates this type of sex work. In some places, the scene is more ‘underground,’ mostly because people still have a hard time understanding that some people just want to get tied up and not get a hand job, too.”

Q I’m a good-looking, fit, younger guy living in Southern California. I’m getting older, though, and have never been in love or a serious relationship. I’m straight, but in the past five years I discovered sexuality is grey, not black or white. I learned this when I accidentally dove into the world of trans. I go on sites and find local trans girls to engage with in sexual activity. It’s hard to describe why I’m into it, but I just am—maybe it satisfies a sexual side of me that women don’t?

Regardless, I’ve felt like this is an issue getting in the way of my quest to find a great woman and start a family, which I’d like to do in the next few years. I’m caught between thinking my sexual addiction is hindering my advancement toward a family life, and enjoying the rush and sexual gratitude I’m inundated with when I meet up with trans girls. Is it something I definitely need to put an end to, or has it become a part of me that I can’t deny and hide? —Rocks And Hard Places

A Trans women are women, RAHP, and some of them are great. (And some of them, like some of everybody, are not so great.) You could date a trans woman, you could marry a trans woman and you could have kids with a trans woman (through adoption or surrogacy). The only thing that stands between you and being with the kind of person you’re most attracted to (a trans woman) and having the other stuff you want out of life (marriage, kids, family life) is you.

Q I’m a straight man, age 33. I was in a mutually unsatisfying relationship with a woman in my 20s. I told her not long after we got together that I didn’t want to eat her pussy because I didn’t like her smell. I’d eaten other vulvas before and loved them. She wasn’t a week-between-showers kind of woman, and she was rightly hurt. Years later, I started listening to you and got religion. (And since she didn’t want to hear from me, I made my apologies by treating the women I date now better.) Since then, I’ve loved the smell of every woman’s pussy I’ve been fortunate enough to stick my nose in. But the question haunts me: How could I have handled that situation instead? How would I handle it again? What’s a sex-positive way to tell a pussy-having person their smell turns you off? As someone who feels imbalanced in a sexual relationship if I’m not eating my partner’s pussy, should I just quietly end things and say nothing? Seems like there’s a middle way. I first thought of your advice for smelly dicks—tell him to take a shower—but for Americans, the smell of a vulva is tied up as much in hygiene as misogyny. I’m not sure how to approach this. —Wondering How I Fill Females In Now Graciously

A Telling someone with a pussy that their genitals smell funky is more complicated and fraught, as you’re already aware, than telling the same thing to someone with a dick. The culture has been telling women—and that tiny percentage of men who have pussies—that their genitals are unclean and stinky since basically forever. But there are legitimate medical issues that can make someone’s junk smell funky (and just not pussy-style junk), WHIFFING, and sometimes we need the people who can actually get their noses into our crotches to give us a heads-up. A bad vaginal odour can be a sign of bacterial vaginosis or even cancer.

Here’s how you approach it: You ask yourself if you’re the problem—think they smell bad? You’re the problem—and then you ask yourself if sexual chemistry is the problem. (Don’t like this person’s particular smell and taste? Keep your mouth shut about their smell and taste and end the relationship.) If you think it might actually be a medical issue, you say something like this: “Please don’t take this the wrong way, but your vagina and labia smell funky. That’s not an easy thing to hear, I know, and it’s not an easy thing to say. I know the misogynistic zap the culture puts on women’s heads about this—but I’m worried that it might be a medical issue, and I’d rather risk your anger than your health.”


By Dan savage


How Sexual Energy Helps Arouse Our Creative Genius

Five years ago, I stumbled into a new way of life on the wave of a force so strong that it was impossible for me to ignore. I discovered a whole new pathway to my creative genius and energy — while sexting.

My transformation started in January 2010. I was sitting at my desk and feeling very excited because an editor from a regional health and beauty magazine was coming to interview me about the holistic treatments I offered at my wellness studio. While I waited for her to show up, my lover and I passed the time by sending fun, sexy emails back and forth. Soon, though, I realized I only had a few more minutes before my guest was supposed to arrive.

“We’d better stop. My interview starts soon and I want to be emotionally prepared,”
I wrote.

“No, don’t stop,” he wrote back. “Use the sexual creative energy in your interview!”


The idea intrigued me. Could I really use my sexual energy in my interview? I had heard of other holistic practitioners — such as Reiki masters — who use energy in their work for healing and creating balance for their clients, but it was not something I had ever explored before.

When the editor arrived, we began with a tour around my wellness studio. She looked relaxed and curious as we made our way to the different therapy rooms. As we walked, I tried to capture the sexual energy I had been feeling earlier and let it emanate from me in the form of enthusiasm, confidence, creativity and self-assurance. I wasn’t trying to flirt or be sexy, but I was definitely getting my mojo on.

At first, I felt a little silly, but before long, my efforts seemed to have a palpable effect on my guest as I told her about my work and my passion. I could feel her own energy lifting as she responded in kind, telling me about her dreams and experiences. We spent hours together, well beyond our scheduled time, chatting about health, wellbeing, and opportunities to work together on upcoming projects.

As soon as she left, I started researching. If exuding sexual energy was always so powerful and effective, I wanted to know all about it.

In my reading, I learned that sexuality is the highest form of transmutable energy. In other words, we all have the ability to transfer our creative sexual energy into other areas of our life for the purpose of achieving wealth, happiness, love, health, and any other positive benefits we seek.

While sexual energy is the highest form of transmuted creative energy, there are actually ten major stimuli according to Napoleon Hill, author of Think and Grow Rich. Hill explains,

“The human mind responds to stimuli, through which it may be ‘keyed up’ to high rates of vibration, known as enthusiasm, creative imagination, intense desire, etc. The stimuli to which the mind responds most freely are:

1. The desire for sex expression
2. Love
3. A burning desire for fame, power, or financial gain, money
4. Music
5. Friendship between either those of the same sex, or those of the opposite sex
6. A Master Mind alliance based upon the harmony of two or more people who ally themselves for spiritual or temporal advancement
7. Mutual suffering, such as that experienced by people who are persecuted
8. Auto-suggestion
9. Fear
10. Narcotics and alcohol”

The desire for sexual expression sits at the head of Hill’s list of stimuli because it most effectively increases the vibrations of the mind. This allows us to use our sexual thoughts, desires, and emotions to evoke creativity, enthusiasm, and imagination. Every time we use our sexual creative energy, therefore, we are in the process of manifesting beneficial and motivating ideas for realizing our hopes and dreams.

That evening while I closed up the studio, I marveled at how confident and creative I felt during the interview. I thought about my lover, my sexuality, and my future, and I decided to be more open to exploring my sexual energy in new ways — because I knew that my dreams and my happiness were worth pursuing, no matter how new and unfamiliar the path seemed.


Sandra LaMorgese Ph.D