Our sex life is a million times better than it was several years ago before we started using the toys.”
A lot of women enjoy sex more with a little help from a sex toy for clitoral stimulation, but there can be a cultural stigma against it, as if your partner shouldn’t need a sex toy to get you off. In this week’s Sex Talk Realness, Cosmopolitan.com spoke with three men about what it’s like to do something that culturally can be seen as emasculating for some weird reason.
How old are you?
Man A: Thirty-two.
Man B: Twenty-five.
Man C: Twenty-six.
How long have you and your girlfriend been together?
Man A: Fourteen months.
Man B: Six years.
Man C: Three months.
How often do you have sex?
Man A: Three to four times a week.
Man B: About five times a week.
Man C: It depends on our work schedules, but the average is four to six times a week.
What percentage of that time do you use sex toys in bed?
Man A: Fifty percent of the time. It’s really situation-dependent in terms of whether or not there’s time to grab them and clean up afterward and also where we’re having sex because we might not have them with us.
Man B: Thirty to 40 percent of the time. Sometimes we run out of batteries or we’re really into it already, and we skip toys and get straight to business.
Man C: Since we began using them, 100 percent of the time.
Is this the first relationship where you’ve used sex toys in bed?
Man A: No, I’ve used sex toys in past relationships. In the past, it was more anal sex toy-focused, but vibrators have popped up every so often as well. I’d also purchased a vibrating cock ring at one point but felt like it didn’t add enough to the experience to make it worthwhile.
Man B: Yes, neither of us has ever used sex toys with anyone in the past.
Man C: Yes.
Who was the first person to bring up using toys together?
Man A: I brought it up. She told me she’d never had an orgasm from intercourse, so about six months into the relationship, I suggested getting a vibrator we could use during sex. She was excited by the prospect and I think she was impressed that I was open enough to bring up the conversation first.
Man B: One day we were looking at AdamAndEve.com just seeing what was out there and as a joke, we decided to order four mini bullet vibrators, batteries, and some throat spray because my girlfriend can’t deep throat, and have them delivered in person via a messenger app. The delivery guy came to deliver them, and we thought it was hilarious because he had no idea what he was delivering to us. It still to this day is an inside joke between me and my girlfriend, but we loved it.
Man C: She brought it up after we’d been dating for about three weeks. The first few times we had sex, she was unable to come, and then one afternoon, we were in bed and she just asked about bringing sex toys in. We’re both open-minded, so it wasn’t weird. I was definitely open to it because I like her and want her to enjoy sex as much as I do.
What was the first sex toy you started with?
Man A: A vibrator.
Man B: A mini bullet vibrator.
Man C: It was like a silver-looking ball that had a wire connected to a remote. Then she bought a sort of phallic-shaped purple vibrator, which is what we still use.
What are your favorite toys to use together now?
Man A: We use a vibrator, anal beads, and a few butt plugs. I’d say my favorite is the anal beads because she really enjoys having sex with anal beads in and I enjoy it as well.
Man B: We have one of those big vibrators with seven different settings. She loves it and I like it when the vibrator is on my balls. It feels amazing.
Man C: The purple vibrator for sure.
What are your least favorite toys to use together?
Man A: If I’m being selfish, the least favorite toy for me is the vibrator because the anal beads and plugs give me a much better experience during penetration, so they win for me personally.
Man B: Cock rings can really suffocate my dick. It was fun the first time we used one, but after that we just preferred to take the little vibrator out and use that.
Man C: None. We are pretty content with the purple vibrator.
Do you two ever fight about the sex toys?
Man A: Nah. She’s more on the submissive side, so she trusts me.
Man B: Yes, I feel like sometimes she likes the vibrator better than me. We got into a fight this morning about it actually because we had sex, and afterward, she told me it was only a 3 out of 10. I feel like now she likes doing it with toys so much, and without them, it isn’t as fun for her, but she says that’s not true and that we have great sex without them. Overall though our sex life is a million times better than it was several years ago before we started using the toys.
Man C: Never. It makes sex better for her, so that makes it better for me. It’d be unhealthy and fucked-up if one person in the relationship was enjoying sex and climaxing significantly more than the other.
Do you feel like either of you needs the sex toys for sex to be good?
Man A: For me, no, but for her, yes, which honestly is pretty sad. I think it’s a solid reason why the relationship won’t work out because I’m not sure if I can spend the rest of my life with someone who I can’t get off without sex toys. My sexual partner number is in the mid-high double digits, and while I’m nowhere near perfect, I’ve had enough good relationships to know that when the chemistry is there. Getting a woman off has never been an issue before. Still, she says she’s happy with our situation, but I don’t think I’ll be able to move past her needing to use a vibrator and to know the only way I can get her off is either by going down on her or using a vibrator. I’ve never talked to her about this, but I know she’d had trouble orgasming in the past, and her past is more vanilla than mine.
Man B: I actually brought this up today because I feel like she likes it more when the vibrator is involved, which I take offense to because, as a dude, we are insecure about our skills in the bedroom. I also don’t feel like she’s as vocal when we don’t use toys. I guess I mind a little but at the end of the day, I’m really happy with our sex life.
Man C: I think she needs them to orgasm. She usually uses the purple vibrator to rub her clit. One time we couldn’t find [the vibrator], and she was able to orgasm rubbing it with her fingers, but she said it wasn’t as good.
Do you ever wish you didn’t use sex toys in bed?
Man A: Selfishly, no. She feels really good when she’s trying to take the anal beads and me.
Man B: Sometimes. I think using sex toys can turn into one of those things where you always want to try something new or get freakier. Vanilla sex just doesn’t do it for us anymore.
Man C: No.
When you have sex without sex toys, what’s the biggest difference?
Man A: I get off, but she doesn’t.
Man B: It takes a lot longer for her to get off without the clitoral stimulation. If I use my hands while we are doing it, though, I would say it’s close to the same.
Man C: We only have sex with sex toys unless she can’t find it, or we are at my house, and she didn’t bring one. The only real difference is that she can’t come as easily.
What do you wish you’d known earlier about using sex toys in bed?
Man A: I wish I’d thought to bring it up sooner with my past relationships. Nowadays, the prevalence of porn has made it a lot easier to learn about what’s out there and if I’d brought it up to exes, it surely would have spiced up some past relationships, especially a long-distance one.
Man B: That they aren’t as scary as people think. My girlfriend took my virginity, so I was always reluctant to try new things, but once we were able to both be comfortable, it allowed us to embrace new things in the bedroom.
Man C: I think I was pretty well-informed and open, but nobody I had had sex with in the past ever suggested using them.
What do you think are the biggest misconceptions about couples who use sex toys in bed?
Man A: From my vantage point, I’m not sure there are any more misconceptions out there, but as you can tell I’m somewhat open about this stuff.
Man B: That they are freaks. A lot of people use them. I even found a butt plug in my parents’ room.
Man C: I don’t really know. Maybe when some people hear “sex toys,” they automatically assume it’s BDSM, and since BDSM is stigmatized for some people, they might be wary of using them.
What advice would you give to other men whose partners want to use sex toys in bed?
Man A: Use them but don’t rely on them to replace sexual chemistry.
Man B: Give it a shot, you will probably like it. Seeing her turned on gets me going.
Man C: I think straight males may think they should be able to “make” their girlfriend or partner come with just their penis, and that falling short of that is on them. In reality, some women just need a little help getting there regardless of who they are having sex with.
By Lane Moore